Sunday, February 25, 2007
KP2007JAN30
KP2007JAN30
NEW DISTRIBUTION:
BLOG: blogicalthought.blogspot.com
NEWSGROUP: alt.ucp
===========================
KP2007JAN30
7:49 NOW
So much has changed
since my last session.
At that time I was in
a panic, with a heavy
somatic in my guts re
my catastropic cash
crash and it impending
implications of doom.
I had an electrical surge
which fried my computer
quite thoroughly, but did
not destroy my hard disc.
That's why I've been not
posting for a while,
I felt I was betraying my
current [canine] family by
my failure. I felt sick.
That session pulled something
apart and calmed me down a lot.
When I stopped putting energy
into fear and angst, things
got a lot better very quickly.
An ad I had put on craigslist
before my system went down got
a call and a pruning job for a
few days. Way Cool! My phone
bill is paid! And my bills for
February are paid already. Now
I have not just one, but two
internet ready computers. God
Bless the computer thrift store.
I actually BOUGHT the new home
Xandros OS. If that will run
the modem, then I will have
MY system back online again.
I'm hoping they've finally
gotten it together, because
the alternatives [M$ or a
command line interface]
still repulse me.
8:08 The other thing that
bailed me out was the puppies!
They are SO CUTE! Aggie really
picked a great boyfriend! They
look like Teddy Bears! Where I
had sold them cheap to pet stores
before just to avoid the pound,
I found a way to present them
directly to people. I gave one
away before I got smarter and
got at least $50 for all the
others. Met lots of nice people!
My email is down until I get my
system back up, but I can browse
online just fine. I'm watching
the global nightmare of war on
iran take shape. But I'm less
terrified because I have a tiny
bit more slack in my own world.
[yawn] I'm fascinated by how
quickly my last session freed
my attention, and how quickly
[yawn] that changed conditions.
Once I cleared away the somatic
that was absorbing my attention,
I got results in the physical
universe very quickly. They
had been brewing already, but
couldn't be harvested until
Interference was eliminated.
8:22 [yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
I wonder how many other [yawn]
harvests I am now ignoring or
resisting? Maybe none? You
have to plant and nuture first?
Maybe some? [yawn] [yawn]
Maybe many? That would be nice!
Thoughts drifting, possible futures.
I'm very aware of the deadly threats
impinging on us all. But my attention
is on what I actually CAN do about my
own situation now. I have some options!
I bought tune-up parts for my van, and
new software for my computer. I'll be
installing them soon. I can enjoy that.
[yawn] I least I get satisfaction from
the illusion that I control my fate, as
if [yawn] anything at all is predictable,
rather that conditionally disclaimed for
fascism, war, weather, genocide,
depopulation, eruptions, asteriods, etc.
[yawn] Still, if there is some area
certainly have some influence in,
though I clearly don't CONTROL,
it is my own thoughts. [yawn]
[yawn]
[dogs bitching it's dinner time,
singing to dogs a bit] [yawn]
[yawn] 8:45 [yawn] [yawn]
I had a big win in my own
universe last session.
It's been playing out
and I've been involved
with [yawn] DOING IT
since then. This evening
I felt like it was time to
check in and look at what
had happened. [yawn] [yawn]
And how I could improve on it.
[yawn] [yawn] I have been
noticing lately situations in
which DOING NOTHING was the
perfect thing to do, and
doing anything, especially
reacting negatively, only
aggravates the situation.
That puts you at effect.
Why have your hexperience
dependant on that others do?
[yawn] Because you are
participating in the game?
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
Maybe there is still a way
to survive as myself, even
if not as part of a tribe?
I've lived through so many
"impossible" situations,
I guess I should retain my
ability to be Surprised, at
least for a while. Later!
9:02 = about 1.25 hours
THANKS FOR READING!
O
--- )
KONCHOK PENDAY
KP@net-prophet.net = email
http://net-prophet.net/ = website
alt.ucp = the ucp usenet newsgroup
blogicalthought.blogspot.com = blog
INTEGRATOR: Universal Conscious Plot:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/nuchart15.htm
FORMULATOR: Universal Conscious Practice:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/ = UCP HOME PAGE
INVENTORevolutionary Architecture System:
SUBS = Simple Universal Building System:
http://net-prophet.net/subs/
AUTHOR: Til Death Do Us Part . . .
A Basic Education in Total Health:
How to Keep Body and Soul Happily Together
http://www.lulu.com/content/261881
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
*DO* THE UNIVERSAL CONSCIOUS PRACTICE!
*COMPARE* PRESENT TO PAST AND FUTURE!
ENLIGHTENMENT! . . . RIGHT! . . . *NOW!*
*TOTALLY FREE!* @ http://net-prophet.net/ucp/
Unmoderated public usenet newsgroup: alt.ucp
= The UNIVERSITY of CONSCIOUSNESS PULPIT!
UCP IS THE *CRUX* OF RATIONAL THOUGHT!
THE UCPLOT IS THE ROSETTA STONED
OF UNDERSTANDING CONSCIOUSNESS!
*YOU* CAN RAISE YOUR OWN AWARENESS NOW!
ACCELERATE YOUR OWN SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION!
USE THE FREE VIRTUAL WITNESS ONLINE NOW!
ONE SIZE FITS ALL SELF TAUGHT GOD LESSON!
INQUIRE WITHIN, ABOUT BECOMING YOURSELF!
PINNACLE PATHS PITCH PERFECT PERIMETERS!
THE PRIZE PATH IS A PATTERN: *UCP!*
ENHANCING GLOBAL ENLIGHTENMENT
BY BUILDING BETTER BODHISATTVAS
SINCE THE SECOND MILLENNIUM . . .
ONE BODHISATTVA AT A TIME!
*DO* UCP TO KNOW!
alt.ucp posting history online at google.com . . .
http://www.google.com/groups?safe=off&ie=ISO-8859-
1&as_ugroup=alt.ucp&lr=&num=100&hl=en
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
NEW DISTRIBUTION:
BLOG: blogicalthought.blogspot.com
NEWSGROUP: alt.ucp
===========================
KP2007JAN30
7:49 NOW
So much has changed
since my last session.
At that time I was in
a panic, with a heavy
somatic in my guts re
my catastropic cash
crash and it impending
implications of doom.
I had an electrical surge
which fried my computer
quite thoroughly, but did
not destroy my hard disc.
That's why I've been not
posting for a while,
I felt I was betraying my
current [canine] family by
my failure. I felt sick.
That session pulled something
apart and calmed me down a lot.
When I stopped putting energy
into fear and angst, things
got a lot better very quickly.
An ad I had put on craigslist
before my system went down got
a call and a pruning job for a
few days. Way Cool! My phone
bill is paid! And my bills for
February are paid already. Now
I have not just one, but two
internet ready computers. God
Bless the computer thrift store.
I actually BOUGHT the new home
Xandros OS. If that will run
the modem, then I will have
MY system back online again.
I'm hoping they've finally
gotten it together, because
the alternatives [M$ or a
command line interface]
still repulse me.
8:08 The other thing that
bailed me out was the puppies!
They are SO CUTE! Aggie really
picked a great boyfriend! They
look like Teddy Bears! Where I
had sold them cheap to pet stores
before just to avoid the pound,
I found a way to present them
directly to people. I gave one
away before I got smarter and
got at least $50 for all the
others. Met lots of nice people!
My email is down until I get my
system back up, but I can browse
online just fine. I'm watching
the global nightmare of war on
iran take shape. But I'm less
terrified because I have a tiny
bit more slack in my own world.
[yawn] I'm fascinated by how
quickly my last session freed
my attention, and how quickly
[yawn] that changed conditions.
Once I cleared away the somatic
that was absorbing my attention,
I got results in the physical
universe very quickly. They
had been brewing already, but
couldn't be harvested until
Interference was eliminated.
8:22 [yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
I wonder how many other [yawn]
harvests I am now ignoring or
resisting? Maybe none? You
have to plant and nuture first?
Maybe some? [yawn] [yawn]
Maybe many? That would be nice!
Thoughts drifting, possible futures.
I'm very aware of the deadly threats
impinging on us all. But my attention
is on what I actually CAN do about my
own situation now. I have some options!
I bought tune-up parts for my van, and
new software for my computer. I'll be
installing them soon. I can enjoy that.
[yawn] I least I get satisfaction from
the illusion that I control my fate, as
if [yawn] anything at all is predictable,
rather that conditionally disclaimed for
fascism, war, weather, genocide,
depopulation, eruptions, asteriods, etc.
[yawn] Still, if there is some area
certainly have some influence in,
though I clearly don't CONTROL,
it is my own thoughts. [yawn]
[yawn]
[dogs bitching it's dinner time,
singing to dogs a bit] [yawn]
[yawn] 8:45 [yawn] [yawn]
I had a big win in my own
universe last session.
It's been playing out
and I've been involved
with [yawn] DOING IT
since then. This evening
I felt like it was time to
check in and look at what
had happened. [yawn] [yawn]
And how I could improve on it.
[yawn] [yawn] I have been
noticing lately situations in
which DOING NOTHING was the
perfect thing to do, and
doing anything, especially
reacting negatively, only
aggravates the situation.
That puts you at effect.
Why have your hexperience
dependant on that others do?
[yawn] Because you are
participating in the game?
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
Maybe there is still a way
to survive as myself, even
if not as part of a tribe?
I've lived through so many
"impossible" situations,
I guess I should retain my
ability to be Surprised, at
least for a while. Later!
9:02 = about 1.25 hours
THANKS FOR READING!
O
--- )
KONCHOK PENDAY
KP@net-prophet.net = email
http://net-prophet.net/ = website
alt.ucp = the ucp usenet newsgroup
blogicalthought.blogspot.com = blog
INTEGRATOR: Universal Conscious Plot:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/nuchart15.htm
FORMULATOR: Universal Conscious Practice:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/ = UCP HOME PAGE
INVENTORevolutionary Architecture System:
SUBS = Simple Universal Building System:
http://net-prophet.net/subs/
AUTHOR: Til Death Do Us Part . . .
A Basic Education in Total Health:
How to Keep Body and Soul Happily Together
http://www.lulu.com/content/261881
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
*DO* THE UNIVERSAL CONSCIOUS PRACTICE!
*COMPARE* PRESENT TO PAST AND FUTURE!
ENLIGHTENMENT! . . . RIGHT! . . . *NOW!*
*TOTALLY FREE!* @ http://net-prophet.net/ucp/
Unmoderated public usenet newsgroup: alt.ucp
= The UNIVERSITY of CONSCIOUSNESS PULPIT!
UCP IS THE *CRUX* OF RATIONAL THOUGHT!
THE UCPLOT IS THE ROSETTA STONED
OF UNDERSTANDING CONSCIOUSNESS!
*YOU* CAN RAISE YOUR OWN AWARENESS NOW!
ACCELERATE YOUR OWN SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION!
USE THE FREE VIRTUAL WITNESS ONLINE NOW!
ONE SIZE FITS ALL SELF TAUGHT GOD LESSON!
INQUIRE WITHIN, ABOUT BECOMING YOURSELF!
PINNACLE PATHS PITCH PERFECT PERIMETERS!
THE PRIZE PATH IS A PATTERN: *UCP!*
ENHANCING GLOBAL ENLIGHTENMENT
BY BUILDING BETTER BODHISATTVAS
SINCE THE SECOND MILLENNIUM . . .
ONE BODHISATTVA AT A TIME!
*DO* UCP TO KNOW!
alt.ucp posting history online at google.com . . .
http://www.google.com/groups?safe=off&ie=ISO-8859-
1&as_ugroup=alt.ucp&lr=&num=100&hl=en
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
KP2007JAN18
KP2007JAN18
NEW DISTRIBUTION:
BLOG: blogicalthought.blogspot.com
NEWSGROUP: alt.ucp
=============================
KP2007JAN18
NOW 4:57 PM
Lots of shit has been
hitting the fan lately.
I was staying pretty cool
and dealing with things as
they came up pretty well.
My computer died on the 12th
of january. Some electrical
problem fried both of my
256 meg memory cards. I'm
guessing the motherboard
is thoroughly toasted to.
It took a couple of days to
figure out what happened. I
went to a buddies and found a
used system on craigslist for
$50. After a couple of days
I got it to go online BUT it's
a windows system and my xandros
hard drive with all my data is
not installed. Xandros won't run
the modem. I was cool with it
but the problems are piling up.
And I've got 8 puppies I need
to be finding homes for. They
are ready to go now. It took
me a week or more to get an ad
in the paper with all the
problems. I have a somatic
in my stomach that I am
responsible for them and I
am letting them down. Feel
guilty and useless/helpless.
Keep trying to handle it and
keep coming up a little short.
ALMOST got system fully restored.
But I didn't quite get it done.
It was a miracle that I got a
system at all [I had receieved
an unexpected $100 in the mail]!
I was happy with myself for
not freeking out about the mess,
and for remaining cool and
doing something about it.
But it wasn't enough. I
tried to send myself email
by webmail, but it didn't
come though. I get about
1K of spam a day, and maybe
a few real emails I want.
I suspect my mailbox has
10,000 spam and is bouncing
everything sent to it.
5:12 FELT BEFORE?
Yes. It feels much like 1993
when my collapsing financial
situation coupled with criminal
landlords led to most of my
possessions being stolen,
and me becoming homeless.
I had the same terror stomach
and hopelessness for many months.
I could see the crash coming for
many months as I tried desperately
to stop it. [yawn] I was unable
to, and the tsunami hit full force,
washing away much of my life with it.
[yawn] I many ways I never recovered.
Compare. [yawn] 5:18 Same feel of
hysteria as I see tsunami's destruction
coming at me full speed, and hitting me.
Several times I been in situations in
which I would have panicked badly in
earlier times, and I've been calm and
focused on what I could DO about it.
This has gotten me through several mini-
crises and I was pleased. The same day
my sysetem died, I found two recent
horoscopes that talked about things
that looked like problems but were
not. I took a win on not making a
problem where is just seemed like
there was one. But the big problems
have not gone away, and they keep
getting worse. I don't see how I
am going to survive and keep many
of my projects intact or viable.
[As if they were viable now].
I keep looking,
but I don't see.
5:28 It's much like the bigger picture
the united states. It can't go on with
the same scene very long either. The
shit has got to hit the fan quite soon.
Lots of shit has already hit the fan hard.
It's a big mess already. But LOTS MORE
shit has already been launched and is on
the way to the fan even as we speak.
Several times I didn't see how things
could work out or improve, but I didn't
panic something unexpected DID work out.
So I thought maybe that is my new
operating basis. Be calm and keep
looking for opportunity. However
now I am still cut off from some
of my major comm lines, and I'm
not doing very well at being calm.
I've been looking for a place
where I really fit in. Out
land in AZ was my planned
solution for many years.
Now that option is gone.
I haven't found another group
that I fit in with and want to join.
There are people I love, but not a
group with a place for me so far.
I feel very much the effect
and not much cause at all.
I feel the desperate need to
DO something, but I don't know
what. I don't see good options.
5:43 pm I keep having the thought
that it is dangerous to be calm,
because I need to DO SOMETHING
right now so I don't go over
the edge of the cliff to
the rocks so far below,
which are rapidly approaching.
as I'm mostly in free fall now.
Iraq and the Iraqi's are ahead
of me on the catastrophe curve.
They've already hit the rocks
and are bouncing and bleeding.
I lot of americans have already hit
the rocks too, and are bleeding bad.
[yawn] I volunteer in a free food
program, and the number of intelligent
educated people of good will who are
dependent on charity to eat is scary.
Those are the lucky ones who know
about the program and can make it
in to eat the sacred free food.
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
Predictions are still driving me crazy.
I see I'm often wrong. But I see ignoring
a bad a deteriorating situation is risky
business. [yawn] So many times that has
led me to disaster. But being [yawn] up
tight and frantic is also destructive.
[yawn]
[yawn] the culture I am part of is racing
toward the bridge abutment at full speed.
[compulsive prediction] There's going to
be a big crack-up very soon. That will
involve many more in the disaster.
Or maybe we will somehow get wise and
avoid the Iraq style social meltdown here?
I don't think so. I can't see how.
At the same time, I see I usually
don't know how before it happens,
or fails to happen. I very much
want some things to happen and
others things NOT to happen.
We know there have been public calls
from the ruling class for "population
reduction" since the 1960's. We've
got aggressive genocide going on in
so many places, including the USA.
It's like that tsunami coming at you.
You want to avoid it if possible. If
you cannot escape it, do you want to
let it ruin your day? There are two
fronts: the inner and the outer.
Can you win on the inner front
while losing the the physical world?
Is that necessary. I'd like to win both.
I don't appear to be doing that now.
[yawn] I'm still closely attached
to my family [my two dogs] and my
projects. Letting go of them would
be losing games I have put many
decades of work into. As long as
there is a chance to win, I want
to play. On the other hand, if I
were to losing everything again,
what would I do then? I've
started over before several times,
and it seems to get harder. I
see less options now than before.
When the sun blows up it will
[probably] wash all traces of
my hexistence clean away . . .
as if there might be any then.
[Compulsively autopredicting
that I won't be around then.]
In the meantime my now is
wracked with loss and
threats of more loss.
As well as groovy love
filtered through my
guilt for not being
successful as a guard
or protector, even of
myself and my scene.
6:47 pm
At least I DO HAVE
some groovy love,
even if I feel I'm
not protecting it well.
Perhaps I could share
some of that love
with myself,
despite my
so obvious
failings.
In the meantime,
RIGHT NOW all my
dogs are happy.
I can share
that with them.
I am sharing
that with them.
I feel less hysterical.
My stomach somatic is
not wrenching my gut.
I'm more centered.
It may not change
the world but it
is a bit better
for me right now.
[yawn] That's not
a solution, but it's
a small improvement.
[yawn] I'll take
that for now. [yawn]
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
6:59
I see that I keep predicting.
[yawn] it's way over my tone
level, because I keep compulsively
doing it. THe masters say you can
rise above that into Unknow, but I
am certainly not there now! [yawn]
I do have split thoughts:
now and then, here and there.
Part of me "remembers" past lives,
thus implying I must be immortal
[yawn] but part of me can't
imagine not being this meat.
[yawn] Mortality certainly is
the true test of your certainty
of your infinite immortality.
[yawn] [yawn] 7:10 [yawn]
I have had some hexperiences
where I was totally in the groove,
just DOING, almost as an observer
while acting in overdrive. However
they have been very fleeting, and
never felt under my control. Some
times I just got lucky, or whatever.
[yawn] I'd like to be in that groove,
causing my own internal hexperience
regarless of what happens TO me.
Compared to the Iraqis
I've still got it easy.
And I still have
some options.
I just exercised one here,
to give myself a session.
That was a good action.
I'll keep looking
for more good options.
7:20 PM = 2H 23M
THANKS FOR READING!
O
--- )
KONCHOK PENDAY
KP@net-prophet.net = email
http://net-prophet.net/ = website
alt.ucp = the ucp usenet newsgroup
blogicalthought.blogspot.com = blog
INTEGRATOR: Universal Conscious Plot:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/nuchart15.htm
FORMULATOR: Universal Conscious Practice:
http://net-prophet.net/ucp/ = UCP HOME PAGE
INVENTORevolutionary Architecture System:
SUBS = Simple Universal Building System:
http://net-prophet.net/subs/
AUTHOR: Til Death Do Us Part . . .
A Basic Education in Total Health:
How to Keep Body and Soul Happily Together
http://www.lulu.com/content/261881
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
*DO* THE UNIVERSAL CONSCIOUS PRACTICE!
*COMPARE* PRESENT TO PAST AND FUTURE!
ENLIGHTENMENT! . . . RIGHT! . . . *NOW!*
*TOTALLY FREE!* @ http://net-prophet.net/ucp/
Unmoderated public usenet newsgroup: alt.ucp
= The UNIVERSITY of CONSCIOUSNESS PULPIT!
UCP IS THE *CRUX* OF RATIONAL THOUGHT!
THE UCPLOT IS THE ROSETTA STONED
OF UNDERSTANDING CONSCIOUSNESS!
*YOU* CAN RAISE YOUR OWN AWARENESS NOW!
ACCELERATE YOUR OWN SPIRITUAL EVOLUTION!
USE THE FREE VIRTUAL WITNESS ONLINE NOW!
ONE SIZE FITS ALL SELF TAUGHT GOD LESSON!
INQUIRE WITHIN, ABOUT BECOMING YOURSELF!
PINNACLE PATHS PITCH PERFECT PERIMETERS!
THE PRIZE PATH IS A PATTERN: *UCP!*
ENHANCING GLOBAL ENLIGHTENMENT
BY BUILDING BETTER BODHISATTVAS
SINCE THE SECOND MILLENNIUM . . .
ONE BODHISATTVA AT A TIME!
*DO* UCP TO KNOW!
alt.ucp posting history online at google.com . . .
http://www.google.com/groups?safe=off&ie=ISO-8859-
1&as_ugroup=alt.ucp&lr=&num=100&hl=en
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
NEW DISTRIBUTION:
BLOG: blogicalthought.blogspot.com
NEWSGROUP: alt.ucp
=============================
KP2007JAN18
NOW 4:57 PM
Lots of shit has been
hitting the fan lately.
I was staying pretty cool
and dealing with things as
they came up pretty well.
My computer died on the 12th
of january. Some electrical
problem fried both of my
256 meg memory cards. I'm
guessing the motherboard
is thoroughly toasted to.
It took a couple of days to
figure out what happened. I
went to a buddies and found a
used system on craigslist for
$50. After a couple of days
I got it to go online BUT it's
a windows system and my xandros
hard drive with all my data is
not installed. Xandros won't run
the modem. I was cool with it
but the problems are piling up.
And I've got 8 puppies I need
to be finding homes for. They
are ready to go now. It took
me a week or more to get an ad
in the paper with all the
problems. I have a somatic
in my stomach that I am
responsible for them and I
am letting them down. Feel
guilty and useless/helpless.
Keep trying to handle it and
keep coming up a little short.
ALMOST got system fully restored.
But I didn't quite get it done.
It was a miracle that I got a
system at all [I had receieved
an unexpected $100 in the mail]!
I was happy with myself for
not freeking out about the mess,
and for remaining cool and
doing something about it.
But it wasn't enough. I
tried to send myself email
by webmail, but it didn't
come though. I get about
1K of spam a day, and maybe
a few real emails I want.
I suspect my mailbox has
10,000 spam and is bouncing
everything sent to it.
5:12 FELT BEFORE?
Yes. It feels much like 1993
when my collapsing financial
situation coupled with criminal
landlords led to most of my
possessions being stolen,
and me becoming homeless.
I had the same terror stomach
and hopelessness for many months.
I could see the crash coming for
many months as I tried desperately
to stop it. [yawn] I was unable
to, and the tsunami hit full force,
washing away much of my life with it.
[yawn] I many ways I never recovered.
Compare. [yawn] 5:18 Same feel of
hysteria as I see tsunami's destruction
coming at me full speed, and hitting me.
Several times I been in situations in
which I would have panicked badly in
earlier times, and I've been calm and
focused on what I could DO about it.
This has gotten me through several mini-
crises and I was pleased. The same day
my sysetem died, I found two recent
horoscopes that talked about things
that looked like problems but were
not. I took a win on not making a
problem where is just seemed like
there was one. But the big problems
have not gone away, and they keep
getting worse. I don't see how I
am going to survive and keep many
of my projects intact or viable.
[As if they were viable now].
I keep looking,
but I don't see.
5:28 It's much like the bigger picture
the united states. It can't go on with
the same scene very long either. The
shit has got to hit the fan quite soon.
Lots of shit has already hit the fan hard.
It's a big mess already. But LOTS MORE
shit has already been launched and is on
the way to the fan even as we speak.
Several times I didn't see how things
could work out or improve, but I didn't
panic something unexpected DID work out.
So I thought maybe that is my new
operating basis. Be calm and keep
looking for opportunity. However
now I am still cut off from some
of my major comm lines, and I'm
not doing very well at being calm.
I've been looking for a place
where I really fit in. Out
land in AZ was my planned
solution for many years.
Now that option is gone.
I haven't found another group
that I fit in with and want to join.
There are people I love, but not a
group with a place for me so far.
I feel very much the effect
and not much cause at all.
I feel the desperate need to
DO something, but I don't know
what. I don't see good options.
5:43 pm I keep having the thought
that it is dangerous to be calm,
because I need to DO SOMETHING
right now so I don't go over
the edge of the cliff to
the rocks so far below,
which are rapidly approaching.
as I'm mostly in free fall now.
Iraq and the Iraqi's are ahead
of me on the catastrophe curve.
They've already hit the rocks
and are bouncing and bleeding.
I lot of americans have already hit
the rocks too, and are bleeding bad.
[yawn] I volunteer in a free food
program, and the number of intelligent
educated people of good will who are
dependent on charity to eat is scary.
Those are the lucky ones who know
about the program and can make it
in to eat the sacred free food.
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
Predictions are still driving me crazy.
I see I'm often wrong. But I see ignoring
a bad a deteriorating situation is risky
business. [yawn] So many times that has
led me to disaster. But being [yawn] up
tight and frantic is also destructive.
[yawn]
[yawn] the culture I am part of is racing
toward the bridge abutment at full speed.
[compulsive prediction] There's going to
be a big crack-up very soon. That will
involve many more in the disaster.
Or maybe we will somehow get wise and
avoid the Iraq style social meltdown here?
I don't think so. I can't see how.
At the same time, I see I usually
don't know how before it happens,
or fails to happen. I very much
want some things to happen and
others things NOT to happen.
We know there have been public calls
from the ruling class for "population
reduction" since the 1960's. We've
got aggressive genocide going on in
so many places, including the USA.
It's like that tsunami coming at you.
You want to avoid it if possible. If
you cannot escape it, do you want to
let it ruin your day? There are two
fronts: the inner and the outer.
Can you win on the inner front
while losing the the physical world?
Is that necessary. I'd like to win both.
I don't appear to be doing that now.
[yawn] I'm still closely attached
to my family [my two dogs] and my
projects. Letting go of them would
be losing games I have put many
decades of work into. As long as
there is a chance to win, I want
to play. On the other hand, if I
were to losing everything again,
what would I do then? I've
started over before several times,
and it seems to get harder. I
see less options now than before.
When the sun blows up it will
[probably] wash all traces of
my hexistence clean away . . .
as if there might be any then.
[Compulsively autopredicting
that I won't be around then.]
In the meantime my now is
wracked with loss and
threats of more loss.
As well as groovy love
filtered through my
guilt for not being
successful as a guard
or protector, even of
myself and my scene.
6:47 pm
At least I DO HAVE
some groovy love,
even if I feel I'm
not protecting it well.
Perhaps I could share
some of that love
with myself,
despite my
so obvious
failings.
In the meantime,
RIGHT NOW all my
dogs are happy.
I can share
that with them.
I am sharing
that with them.
I feel less hysterical.
My stomach somatic is
not wrenching my gut.
I'm more centered.
It may not change
the world but it
is a bit better
for me right now.
[yawn] That's not
a solution, but it's
a small improvement.
[yawn] I'll take
that for now. [yawn]
[yawn] [yawn] [yawn]
6:59
I see that I keep predicting.
[yawn] it's way over my tone
level, because I keep compulsively
doing it. THe masters say you can
rise above that into Unknow, but I
am certainly not there now! [yawn]
I do have split thoughts:
now and then, here and there.
Part of me "remembers" past lives,
thus implying I must be immortal
[yawn] but part of me can't
imagine not being this meat.
[yawn] Mortality certainly is
the true test of your certainty
of your infinite immortality.
[yawn] [yawn] 7:10 [yawn]
I have had some hexperiences
where I was totally in the groove,
just DOING, almost as an observer
while acting in overdrive. However
they have been very fleeting, and
never felt under my control. Some
times I just got lucky, or whatever.
[yawn] I'd like to be in that groove,
causing my own internal hexperience
regarless of what happens TO me.
Compared to the Iraqis
I've still got it easy.
And I still have
some options.
I just exercised one here,
to give myself a session.
That was a good action.
I'll keep looking
for more good options.
7:20 PM = 2H 23M
THANKS FOR READING!
O
--- )
KONCHOK PENDAY
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